Just when I think I've got a “handle” on this grieving process, ie., I am relating to Mitch as a spirit now, as an angel, I'm moving through my life, this wave of sadness or anger just hits me to my core, and knocks me off my feet. If I try to avoid the anger because I'm afraid it's too big, afraid that it will consume me and swallow me whole- it waits, it doesn't go away, it festers, shows itself in my impatience, in a clenched jaw, restless sleep, or tension in my hips until I surrender to it... It was triggered the other day while I was looking at a picture of the two of us together, and it was something about the happiness in our faces, the way he was holding me, the way I was holding him back, that just triggered this wave... And all the peace and acceptance just went right out the door... And I called a trusted advisee, and she just advised that there was simply no way around it, and that the anger, healthy or not, was what it was, that it needed to find expression. I stopped fighting it, bawled my eyes out, and fell into a very deep sleep, woke up today and felt wiped out from it. And then today, I remembered a song, “so close to you,” by Calvin Harris, a song that used to come on the radio all the time when we were living in Northern California building our cabin, and more sadness... Sometimes it feels like a river that won't stop running, but then eventually it calms, and there is peace. Grieving the loss of a lover is just this process of constant surrender, not becoming too attached to any particular feeling state, because it is always in flux, letting the waves wash over me, remembering I will feel peace in my heart again.