Know Thyself

Sometimes it's hard to write, to understand, from the inside out, sometimes you have to wait until you've passed through the clouds in order to write about them, cause when you're in them, well, it's cloudy, hard to see, hard to describe. But when you've come through into the light again, then it can be easier to write about, easier to make sense of... from the outside in, piecing together the truth, bit by bit. And so for the past two months I have been analyzing my husband Mitch and I's relationship, all the things that weren't so perfect, rediscovering and discovering myself, apart from him.

Because the thing is, ever since he died, I have kept him so close, clung onto him, learned to connect with him spiritually as if my own life depended on it. And so, two months ago, I stepped back, away from the relationship. I looked at me out of the relationship, I looked at me in the relationship, went back and forth between blaming him and blaming me for the contrast we experienced as a couple, and now, right now, I feel like I am emerging from this watery canal, feel as if I am being birthed from this experience, and this is life, isn't it? A series of moments, some absolutely defining and transformative, all the while each moment in between those aha! moments are all a part of the tapestry, shaping, telling, experiencing....

And so stepping away from the relationship, I settle into me without the oneness of him and me, but rather the knowing him, the knowing me, two different people that chose to be together, and yet I come back to myself. I reel myself in, put all the pieces of me together, and honor who it is that I am, what it is that I love, what it is that I want in this life, and appreciate and accept Mitch, as he was then, and as he is now.

Cause how often are we so entangled in our romantic relationships, that we forget where we end and the other person begins, we blame, we feel guilt, we forget that we are simply each unique individuals, with unique preferences and histories. And so, know thyself, honor thyself, and it will be much easier to know and honor thy partner, to take things less personally, to stop morphing into one another, losing good parts of ourselves in the process.... So, hold up the mirror and look into your own eyes, look deep into your own heart, what is true for you right now that is seeking expression? And how can you honor what is true for you right now?