What started as a Matisse...

Me and the girls got to finish a painting Mitch started over five years ago. What began as a rendition of a Matisse evolved into a co-created family painting. It was just sitting on the floor in my bedroom, propped up against my wall, in limbo… And then all of a sudden the idea came to me that me and the girls could finish it, we could co-create with Mitch, with what he had started all those years before.

And so this morning, we did just that. We propped the half finished painting on the art easel in the backyard, and each added our own creative touch. Alchemy at it’s finest.

There were times when I wanted to hold back the outpouring of paint on the canvas as the two little ones had at it, but then I thought, you know what, I better just let them be as free as they please with this process. It was not about perfection, it was not about that at all, it was something much bigger than that. And it was not about holding onto what it was. Something new and beautiful was emerging from something that was still unfinished in its original form. Alchemy. And I felt different, I felt freer.

Journal Prompting:

What in your life can be transformed today? How can you co-create and collaborate with others to change something that was, into something that is? What can be up-cycled in your home today that would bring a bright new energy into your environment?

Done with Grief?

photo by coventryautomatik.com

Just a few days ago, I was saying to a few friends, I am done with my grief, it’s been three years, I have made peace with our destiny…  I even thought, maybe I don’t even need to finish my book about my journey through grieving and healing, and instead I will just keep on moving forward…

And then yesterday I was doing a writing exercise that posed the question, how do you want to change the world? And in that question, so much, so much arose. So much of who I am in this moment, so much of the beauty of what I am in this moment, was born out of the heartbreak that came from the death of my husband. That death awakened me, it leveled me down to the very earth, it made me grateful for life, it clarified everything that was of importance, and it made me believe in the spiritual continuance of life after death. I learned how to communicate with my husband’s spirit.

And last night, as I was telling my oldest daughter stories about her dad, I realized just how much she is like him! Sharing the stories brought us both joy. But the bittersweet kind.

And then tonight in savasana pose, corpse pose, the final pose in my yoga class; tears. The kind of tears that could go on for a long time, but also the kind of tears that feel cleansing.

And so, done with grief? It is a part of me, it has delivered me to this very moment, it has brought so much beauty and gratitude into my life. It hurt like hell, and even now, when it comes in its small waves, for moments I am completely overcome and soaked, and for moments, it still hurts like hell. But then it passes, and most moments are joyous three years later. But, done with grief, I don’t think it will ever be gone forever, how could it be? Perhaps the pain is a testament to our love. When we love and we lose, it hurts! But we heal, because we are resilient and we’ve got a life to live while we are here on this earth. Let’s make the most of this life.

How do you want to change the world? It’s certainly is interesting to let yourself flow with this question, you may discover some new paths for yourself.

Saying no to guilt. Saying yes to love.

Guilt just feels like declaring war on myself, and I am working too hard to be free from inner-conflict to declare a war. The guilt implies that I should be doing “it” differently than I’m doing it.  And those are the thoughts that trigger the guilty feelings, “you’re doing it wrong,” “you’re not doing it good enough, “you’re selfish for not trying hard enough to make everyone happy.” And those thoughts are oftentimes just under the surface of our awareness.

And so I transformed the feeling of guilt by changing the thoughts that were creating the guilty feelings! Instead of telling myself, that I was not doing it right, that I was bad for doing it how I was doing it, I began to tell myself that I was doing the best I could.

And that was true, it may not have been perfect, but it was the best I could do at that given moment. And my mood began to lighten. I stopped feeling trapped in my guilty feelings and condemning thoughts, and I felt light. I felt compassionate towards myself. I was doing the best that I could! And that was good enough. Loving myself today means saying no to guilt, and saying yes to self-acceptance and knowing that I am doing the best I can.

Let it Go! My Newest Online Course (Jan. 25th-Feb. 7th).

Let it Go! A 2-week online course. January 25th-February 7th.

Let it Go! A 2-week online course. January 25th-February 7th.

This course is about letting go of a habit that does not serve you. It’s about understanding, it’s about the grief of a good-bye, it’s about all of the feelings that keep you holding on and afraid to let go, it’s about what keeps on bringing you back, and it’s a deep surrender into honoring all of you. This course is about creating healthy relationships to practices and rituals that honor your mind, body, heart, and spirit. It’s about letting go of the struggle that holding on creates, and it’s about liberation.

Let it Go is a course that was born from my own process of letting go of my longtime habit of smoking cigarettes. It was a process of understanding what the relationship meant in my life, how it all began, and how it had evolved over time. It was about understanding the inner-conflict that my habit was creating, because so much of my time and energy was being consumed by analyzing it, stressing about it, feeling guilty about it, and then feeling stuck in it. And so I began the journey of understanding all of my feelings that kept me holding on, and situations that drew me back, even though I had said, "enough is enough," many times before. I wrote the stories that needed telling. I got honest with myself about the change that my highest good was calling out for. I created new rituals in my evenings that honored my mind, body, heart, and spirit. I asked for spiritual support and guidance through prayer and mantra. And I was compassionate with myself, and took on the role of curious observer throughout my process of letting go, and holding on, letting go, and holding on, until I was ready to take the final leap of faith.

Through this course you will explore~

• your relationship to what it is you want to let go of, through writing and story-telling.
• the emotional process-work of letting it go, through guided meditation, creative expression, and feeling.
• the inner-conflict that holding on creates, through writing and attuning to your body's wisdom.
• why you want to let it go, through alignment with the highest good of your mind, body, heart, and spirit.
• daily mind, body, heart, and spirit practices to stay connected to and aware of your Self, and your vision for healthy relationships.
• creating a plan of letting go through ritual, asking, visioning and intention setting.

You will receive course content Monday through Friday directly to your inbox that will guide you through writing and story-telling, emotional processing, a variety of meditations and visioning exercises, mind-body-heart-spirit practices, and clear and focused intention setting.

I will be available and happy to respond to private emails to help facilitate and support any part of your process throughout the course. There will also be a private group FB page, where you can connect with other course participants by sharing any part of your process and writings with one another.

It would be my pleasure to guide you through this part of your journey!

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER NOW!

Love,

Alexandria

The moment we say, enough is enough, and then all the moments that follow…

Ahh, the slippery slope… A good-bye from the heart, I knew it was time to say good-bye, it felt right. And then after a few weeks, a bit of nostalgia, and a sort of amnesia with it all, that I think, ok, just a few cigarettes for the night, and then I’ll throw away the pack. Let me see if I can transform the relationship I have with them… But one night becomes two nights, and two nights becomes three nights, and three nights becomes four nights. And before I know it, I’ve been drawn back into what I know oh- so very well. I come face to face with the inner-conflict once again. But this time, with a little more awareness.

And so I see there are the moments of conviction, when we say enough is enough, I am ready to let it go, I release it, I quit! But then there are all the moments that follow… That’s where the daily reminders of mind-body-spirit awareness come into practice. That’s when being aware of our triggers; stress, sadness, loneliness, anger, rejection, or whatever they are, that have the power to draw us back into what we know so well, can serve to remind us that we have the power to choose. We can slip back into our old ways or choose what is in accordance with our highest good. And so it’s about developing those practices that connect us to our mind-body-spirit, and doing them everyday. It’s a surrender to knowing ourselves, allowing ourselves to be led by our highest good, and trusting each step along the path… It certainly is a process, and if we remember to refrain from passing the judgment, guilt, and shame, and instead offer ourselves the compassion, understanding, and love that we would to our very best friend, so that when there are those moments when we slip down that slippery slope, we can come back up more readily and with less bruises.

Kids First Disney Adventure!

The kids first Disneyland experience just happened! It was one of those things, Disneyland was a place that Mitch wanted to take the kids, and so after he died, the idea of Disneyland just seemed sad. And so, three years later, I see one of his best friends, who just happens to have a great hook-up to go to Disneyland, who offers to take us… The dream of Disneyland: resurrected! We had a blast and it was the closest to experiencing Disneyland, “Mitch style,” that I could have imagined.  It was magical and wonderful and another “first” without Mitch that we all made it through. I cried a little on the way home, but mostly felt grateful for all the seen and unseen rays of love and light, that seemed to show up at just the right times. The kids had an amazing day, and got to know their dad in a whole new way by spending time with a friend who loved him. Open your heart to receiving joy into your life today! And how can you offer kindness and joy to someone else? It could very well make their whole day, or week, or even their whole month!

A letter to my husband

Dear Mitch,

Today is when I found out you died, today, three years ago. My whole world came crashing in on me. But, your death opened up a whole new world for me and many that knew and loved you. And while your death brought me to the saddest and darkest times I have known, it also led me to some of the very brightest and most joyous. I have learned the language of your spirit and that is a gift. Your death taught me how to love life so much, and it showed me that the only way to transform regret is to change the way I live in the present moment, because there’s no going back, and guilt doesn’t right any wrongs from the past. I will remember the inspirational lessons you taught me about life by the way that you lived… I will continue to work towards making my dreams happen, while remembering that timing is everything. And anytime I start to worry about our little girls, I will remember that you have sent a gang of angels to watch over them with love and light! I miss you all the time, but I have made peace with our destiny. I love you, dear one!

Kids grieve. How to help.

I wish I could take away their struggle, their pain, and I would if I could… I mean, what parent wants to see their kids hurt? It just so happens that my kids’ struggle has shown up so early on in their little lives, with the death of their father, and well, how could that not be hard? How could that be without struggle? So, my oldest daughter who is now five, was just a little over two years old when her father died, and at that age, the loss was felt, but the understanding of death, not so much… And so her grief has shown up in different ways over the years… Anger at her best friend for having a loving dad when she doesn’t, sad that other kids have dads and she doesn’t, fear of me dying, fear of me dying and fear that it would be her fault, fear of her dying, fear of other close loved ones dying, frustration at trying to understand what her father as a spirit even means, lots and lots of questions about how a person can actually die, and an overall feeling that she refers to as “feeling funny,” that has become the catchall phrase for feeling scared, sad, or mad, when she can’t pinpoint exactly what it is she’s feeling.

And so at first when she started having lots of grief come up about 6 months ago, as she began to have more awareness and ability to understand death, I worried a lot. I wanted to help her make peace with it all, quickly… It was really hard to see her worrying, sad, and angry. I just wanted to help make it all better. But over time, I’ve come to understand that my role is not to take away her pain, take away her struggle, or to fix “it,” nor could it be. This is a part of her journey, this is her God-given path. I am here to facilitate her process, help her understand her feelings, be here as a loving and stable support through her tears, frustrations, and fears… And so I make sure I have lots of support for myself so that I can best support her.

Here are some ways that I support her and me throughout this process: I have a great grief workbook for parents to do with their kids called, Grief Encounter, I consult with colleagues in the psychology field who specialize in kids and bereavement and actually just scheduled a session for us to meet with an art therapist, I actively work on my own feelings of grief that arise, I encourage creative expression to “move the mood” and understand her feelings (through dancing, drawing, or other art), I pray and talk to her dad’s spirit and teach her to do the same, and am currently in search of a kids bereavement group, cause when I mentioned to her that there are groups of kids who get together who have all lost a parent, she wanted to go that very instant. I offer plenty of validation that what she is going through it not easy, that kids that have experienced a loss such as hers, will undoubtedly feel angry, sad, and scared. And I give lots of hugs, and lots of reassurance that it will all be ok, and I believe it when I say it.  

It’s been a process of surrendering to our life and circumstances “as is,” it’s been a process of seeking out the best support for her and I both, and it’s been a process of finding courage and trust amidst the fears and doubts.  I think it’s also about trusting in the resilience of the human spirit. But it’s hard. Sometimes I don’t think parenting gets any harder than this. But then I think each parent will have their struggles with their children at various stages and ages… My youngest daughter who is just a little over two has just begun to express the sadness and ache of not having her daddy hold her, and so I reassure her of how loved she is by both her daddy and her family, and I hold her tight.

So, whatever struggle you’re going through as a parent or as a human, please let me reassure you that it will all be ok, and that you are so loved and supported on this journey by help that is seen and unseen, and that this experience will grow you, it will stretch you, and it will strengthen you. It is your soul work. You can do it, and so can I.

Taking back my nights, and saying good-bye to cigarettes.

As I’ve gotten older and more in-tune with my body-mind-spirit connection, my evening habit of smoking cigarettes has become an increasing source of internal angst… I’ve been an on-again, off-again smoker for the last 2 decades, and I’ve quit many times, but never really in my heart, until last week.  Like I said, as I’ve gotten older and more aware, I have not been able to enjoy my evening habit like I used to when I was in my 20’s… it’s like there’s this little anxious voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I have to quit, that I must quit, creating this inner-conflict, and energetically hijacking my evenings. As my inner-conflict with continuing to smoke became more apparent, instead of enjoying my evening cigs, my night began to revolve around them, magnifying the addictive entrapment I’d begun to resent. And so energetically the inner-conflict was sucking the creative energy and focus I was needing to do all of my loving and work-oriented evening rituals; like writing, creating new course content for online classes and workshops, and anything else that helped me feel healthy and beautiful.

And so, I practiced conscious smoking for the last few weeks, in a ritualized, reflective sort of way. I’d sit outside in the evenings, light a candle, smoke, and simply be with the inner-conflict I’d been feeling stuck in the middle of. I breathed with it, didn’t distract myself with phone calls… And yes, entrapment came up so strongly for me, consciously smoking magnified this feeling that I didn’t like at all. Consciously smoking, feeling the entrapment that I didn’t like, opened my heart to the pain of a conscious good bye to a 20 year long relationship with cigarettes. And my God, a feeling of loneliness came up for me as well at the thought of good-bye.

So, for a week, I sat with the lonely, the trapped, the grieving in preparation for good-bye, and asked for spiritual support. I prayed that my desire to control or be controlled would be released. When in an on-again smoking phase, controlled by my habit is what I’d feel, and when in an off-again smoking phase, controlling my behavior and desires is what I’d feel, which would eventually energetically take it’s toll on me. It’s tiring to try and control it all! But, in asking for spiritual support to help me relinquish those desires altogether, I began to feel a shift. I began to feel less attached. And then I began to envision all that I’d rather be doing with my evenings… all of the radical self-care practices I’d created for myself, and being more organized and disciplined with my writing projects and creation of new course material. My radical self-care consisted of beautifying nightly rituals of caring for myself, a meditation practice to connect to my spirit, listening to music or an inspirational audio book, getting some fresh air (either meditating outside, doing a few yoga poses outside, or taking a quick brisk walk), and using my essential oil diffuser.

It felt so good and so freeing to imagine what it would be like to take back my nights again! And because I’m a full time mom by day, and an entrepreneur by night, I realized how absolutely essential it would for me to have relaxing rituals to end my day of mothering, before I began my evening of working. Cause I realized that that was a part of the appeal of smoking for me; it allowed me some time to just chill out after a long day! And so after grieving, praying for spiritual support, and envisioning my evenings without cigarettes, I let them go last week. And ever since, I’ve been feeling more connected to myself, writing more, coming up with some new online course and workshop ideas, and overall, feeling much more aligned with my highest good. So, no more nightly inner-conflict draining my energy to create. Yay! And so everyday will be a practice of staying connected to my highest good, keeping up my prayers for spiritual support, and doing all the things that help me feel free, creative, and healthy. What are you struggling to be free from? What is in alignment with your highest good?

Stay tuned for an online course and workshop on letting go of old habits… :)

A Birdie Funeral

Never in my life have so many dead animals showed up inside my house before… I’ve lived with cats my entire life, and until this year have never had them bring in so many (if any) deceased little critters, including mice, birds, and lizards… And so me and my daughters had another little funeral today for a baby bird that we found on our living room floor. I let the girls hold the bird, they wanted to, and so I let them. Perhaps in holding death, it takes away some of the fear of death, some of the scariness… Which as of lately for my 5 year old, has been the feeling around death, fear. And so we said prayers for the little bird, we asked our daddy in heaven to take good care of the little birdie, we prayed the bird mommy would be comforted. And then we buried the bird, and put flowers on top of its grave. And so perhaps in finding all of these kitty “presents”, it allows death into our lives in a very tangible, non-threatening, sort of way. It allows us to handle death, comfort the dead with our prayers and holding, and offer prayers to their little families. It allows us to participate in peaceful death rituals, so that perhaps when they think about the death of their own father, they’ll know death isn’t so much scary as it is sad, and that we can offer our prayers, our love, and our holding, and find some sort of peace in knowing that this is simply a part of what it means to live.

When Life Calls, Answer.

Me and the girls in the Redwoods.

I just spent a month “in it.” In what? In all of it. I just dove right into life with my two girls. After driving my Mazda Protégé for the last 13 years, I traded it in and bought a new car, a Kia Soul (the name felt so fitting), and we road tripped for one month throughout Northern California, to all of the places that have pulled on my heartstrings. We stayed with friends on farms, in cities, in towns, just simply enjoying the adventure of it all, the new experiences, being invited into people’s lives, being open to discovering where we feel like we fit in the world. And so there wasn’t a whole lot of quiet reflection on the trip because days were spent living, practicing presence, saying yes to life, and nights were spent talking with friends, playing music, star gazing, and enjoying new experiences. I went on the trip with an open mind, and very quickly, I fell in love, with the Redwood trees, the wide open spaces, the wilderness, and how I felt amidst all of it. We came back a few days ago, and whoa, after a heart-opening trip, a soul-awakening adventure, came the task of integration…. Integrating the experience I’d had, back into the life I was living on the daily in San Diego. And so, I’ve come back to this, to writing. To being in communion with the flow of my own voice.  So, after unpacking, taking care of all the responsibilities of life upon my return, my true return came as I returned to my writing, to my process of reflecting, creating, allowing, and listening… And so I plan on answering the calls I receive from life (thank you Louise Hay), and following the steps that are laid out before me. And so for now, I’ll be offering my online course again in a few weeks, it’s full of guided meditations I’ve created to deepen into the very process I’ve just written about, the process of reflecting, creating, allowing, and listening that comes through writing, and integrating all of it, and deciding what needs to go and what needs to be invited in. And is there a move to Northern California in my future? Undoubtedly so, but for now, I’ll follow each step that is laid out before me, while saying yes to life with an open heart and awakened spirit.

***To read more about the online course I'm offering, click here.

What's all this talk about awareness?

What's all this talk about awareness? Well, whether or not we are aware of our feelings, our thoughts, or our body’s felt sensations, they are affecting us in one way or another… So, perhaps we are not aware of our sadness, because we don’t want to feel sad, so instead, it manifests as a short-temper, or as a sluggish, heaviness in our body, or as a weekend-long Netflix marathon in our jammies with Ben and Jerry…  Or perhaps we have this underlying fear of rejection that is just out of our awareness, originating from when our parents got mad at us when we were children, and they ignored us for weeks on end, and as a result, we felt totally isolated and rejected, but since we’re not quite aware of that, our fear of refection manifests as an obsessive need to please, or as an anxiety about people being mad at us and an intense fear of confrontation…

Awareness is empowerment. Awareness illuminates what was just below the surface of our sight, but that was causing all kinds of varying reactions, without any understanding as to why… Awareness empowers us to respond to life, rather than react to it in an unconscious way.  Like, when we’re mad, and it’s clear to others, but when confronted about our anger, we deny it, we shove it away, “no, I’m not mad,” we say through clenched teeth and intense upper back pain, and the thing is, we may not even be aware that we are.

Awareness reminds us that we create our experience from the inside out, and that all the peace, love, security, and courage we’re seeking comes from within.  Now, at first, it might feel like an impossible task, to sit quietly, and listen to thoughts, feel feelings, tune into our bodies felt sensations… or it might feel scary to sit, perhaps we're afraid of what we’ll find when we do.  All the more reason to do it.

And the truth is, when you’re first practicing awareness, you’re going to all of a sudden, see, feel, sense things that you may not have before, but that were always there nonetheless… So, despite what you may find, when you’re sitting quietly and listening to your body, your heart, and your mind- always remember that in order to feel love, open your mind to inspiration and creativity, feel healthy and well, you might have to feel the sadness that’s been weighing you down, hear the negative self-talk that’s been making you think you can’t, or feel how sick and unhealthy you really feel in your body.  

And awareness isn’t just about uncovering negative, painful stuff, it’s also about how good and nurturing it feels to connect with that stillness, that awareness that you find within, because it’s in that space that you tap into your inner-guidance, to that wealth-spring of love and peace and joy that some wisdom traditions, and religions refer to as your soul, Spirit, God, enlightenment, cosmic consciousness, Buddha nature, Christ consciousness… It’s from this space of stillness that dreams are remembered, connections are made, pain is released, and we see ourselves in all of our humanness. If any of this strikes a chord of truth within your heart, peaks your curiosity and has you wanting to explore, then register for my online course, Awaken, Envision, Release. I help you open the door to this awareness.

Helicopter-Parent, No More. And Inner-Voice Retrieval.

As kids when we feel like we’re always being watched, critiqued, or censored, we begin to disconnect from the guidance found within. We begin to fall asleep to our own experience, we begin to see our experience through their eyes… we want to do it right, get the approval, get the praise, and maybe even the love.

We’re overly aware of how our actions, feelings, and thoughts will be perceived and judged by those we love. In fact, we become so attuned with others, and so disconnected from ourselves, that as we grow up and go through life, we do the same with every other person we have a relationship with, we so easily tune in to them, to their perceptions, judgments, feelings, thoughts, and actions… And that when asked what it is we want to do, how it is we feel, or think, we don’t know. In fact, that question may even scare us.  It may even offend us. Because by digging deep inside ourselves to answer it, it may mean that we have to change some things about our lives, it may mean we’d have to change a lot of things. It may mean we’d have to confront some things that we’re scared to confront. To be happy, like, really happy.

And that scares us a lot.

But the alternative is to stay asleep, stay a passenger in life, be a slave to the opinions of everybody else, and perhaps feel a bit resentful deep down inside, perhaps we’ve morphed into a rebel without a cause, or we’ve conformed so much to meet everyone else’s standards that we feel sort of lost and maybe even a bit cheated in life.

Then we have kids. And so we overly focus on them, cause that’s what we’ve always done, focused on everybody else except ourselves, making sure they’re fitting all the standards of today’s perfect child. And then the same thing that happened to us, begins to happen to them. They lose the connection with their own powerful voice, with their own inner-compass to guide them.

And so what do we do to stop this from happening? Begin the process of going inward. Inner-voice retrieval. Sifting through all of the many internalized voices of parents, society, culture, schooling, and finding our own. Our very own voice. Telling the stories, the stories of our experiences, honestly, from our hearts, through our eyes. A process of self-discovery, what psychology defines as differentiation, or individuation. And writing; asking ourselves lots of questions, and answering them, honestly. What brings us joy? And if we’ve forgotten, go way back in time, to when we were youngsters, what brought us joy then? What did we love then, what do we love now? What are we good at? What do we love in this world?

What has been forgotten, and what must be remembered?

And give our kiddos the space to think, feel, and act. And keep on practicing being ourselves, creatively expressing, doing what we love, owning our feelings, being confident in who we are, not living to please everyone under the sun, and our kids will learn that it is ok. That it is ok and safe for them to be themselves. And that we will love them anyway. We love them for the very fact that they are who they are. And we love ourselves, like our very lives depend on it. Oh, and let them play, let the children play.

Online Course, Awaken, Envision, Release, Q&A

Alexandria Romero, Course Instructor & Founder of LunaSoulSpeak.
 Photo & Styling: coventryautomatik.com

Q: I haven't meditated much, is this course right for me?

A: The course will offer a variety of guided meditations designed for participants of all levels, for both the seasoned meditator and the meditator who is just getting their feet wet. The meditations in the course are designed to guide and facilitate a particular process of awakening, envisioning, or releasing, and participants will have the opportunity to delve as deeply as they wish into the experience.

Q: What should I expect to gain from participating in this course ?

A: Through the completion of the coursework, you will have new tools to help you:

• grow through adversity, and embrace the lessons you are meant to learn through those challenges.
• practice greater presence in your daily life.
• develop a daily practice of radical self-love, of body, mind, heart, and spirit.
• gain a greater clarity of purpose and vision for both your inner and outer goals.
• listen to your inner-guidance.
• identify and let go of what you're ready to say good-bye to.

Q: Is there a particular time I need to "show up" for coursework, and do I receive all coursework when I register for the course ?

A: You will begin receiving coursework on the first day that the course begins, July 27th. You will receive each days coursework, Monday through Friday, sometime around midnight PST (the night before) to your email inbox. You will receive writing prompts and experiential activities, which will be yours to keep. You will also receive links to a password protected webpage on LunaSoulSpeak to access audio meditations or video, which you will have access to for the entire duration of the course and for 3 weeks after the final day of the course. There will be optional participation on a private facebook group page, where participants will have the choice to share or not (writings, process, coursework experiences) when they feel moved to do so.  

Q: Who will benefit from taking this course?

A: This course will benefit those who are:

• in life transitions, who are redefining who they are and are seeking greater clarity as they navigate through new territory.
• feeling unfulfilled and searching for greater meaning in their lives.
• feeling uninspired and stuck in old ways of thinking, behaving, or feeling.
• moving at a breakneck speed through life who want to learn how to slow down, smell the roses, enjoy their lives, and their loved ones.
• seeking more balance and connection.
• drawn to this course, for reasons known or not...

To read more about the course and register, Click Here.

My Story

Mitch and I on our adventures together in Costa Rica.

My life was changed in an instant when my husband, Mitch, the love of my life, suddenly and unexpectedly died in December of 2012. We had a two year old daughter named Ava, and I was six weeks pregnant with our second daughter. I dove into the spiritual world, I needed to find him. And thankfully I had spent the last four years in graduate school studying Counseling and Transpersonal Psychology, so I had the tools I needed to help me cope. I also attended long meditation services, listened to countless webinars from mediums on how to connect with spirits, I cried, I danced, I sang, I wrote, and suddenly I found him- in toucans, falcons, butterflies, moths, cats, and in the whispers of the ocean that held so much of my sadness. I had found him in nature, and I heard his voice as he spoke to me in meditation and through friends, I had visions of him in dreams, I channeled conversations with him regularly as I walked the beaches, I felt him as warm tingles on my left side body, and I felt him through music.

My daughter Ava, and pregnant with Amelie, in Costa Rica.

Days after he died, I received the inner-guidance to return to Costa Rica, the place where my husband and I had spent several years together and had cultivated a great community of friends. It was like a light that was guiding me toward my own healing. And 10 weeks later, we made our move. I wasn’t sure how long I wanted to stay, so I practiced trust. I trusted my inner-knowing would guide me as to where and when I would need to go next, just as clearly as it had guided my move to Costa Rica. And so everyday I processed my grief. Everyday I wrote, I cried, I called on the support of my community, and of friends and family. I walked the beaches, some days I felt like a ghost…I meditated, I prayed, I let nature heal me, day by day. I talked or wrote to Mitch everyday for many days. He had become the bridge to a deepened connection to my very own soul.

Baby Amelie.

And I prepared to birth our second daughter, the way I had dreamed of ever since I had read a book of home birth stories by Ina May years before. I rented a house on a little birthing farm in the rainforest, run by an OBGYN from the U.S., that was close to a hospital (just in case). And I spent the weeks leading up to my due date at that little house, just me and Ava, enjoying that special time, just the two of us, before the arrival of baby sister. And it was perfect, as perfect as it could have been without Mitch there, but he was with me in spirit that day, July 22, 2013, the birth day of our second daughter, Amelie. It was a peaceful birth at home, delivered with the help of a midwife and doula while Ava slept peacefully in the next room.

A sacred altar at one of my meditation workshops.

Then, busy, busy, busy. I dove headfirst into the physical world, rearing one toddler and a newborn. And I began sharing what I knew about meditation, emotional process work, embodied healing, and spiritual exploration and growth with my community of women through workshops, classes, and private sessions. I began to come into who I was as a practitioner, as a transpersonal guide. In addition to writing (I wrote daily and regularly in my blog), I felt I had found another piece to the puzzle of what it meant to live out my purpose.

Me and my girls in Hermosa Beach, Costa Rica.

We healed in Costa Rica for one and a half years. My daughter attended my friend’s Montessori preschool, we went to the beach, swam in waterfall pools, practiced lots of yoga, drank lots of smoothies, ate gelato, let our friends and community hold us in love- and we healed, we had come through the saddest time I had ever known- but even though it was the saddest time in my life, it was also the most grateful, the most enlightened spiritually that I had ever felt. The blessing disguised in Mitch’s death was that I learned to love life, so, so, so much, while also learning how to let go…

Ava and Amelie in Southern California.

And then there were lots of signs (that I ignored at first), that it was time to return to California, to the embrace of our family. But, I had learned to listen to my inner-voice and it was time, and so with gratitude, we said our good-bye’s to our Costa Rican community and our Costa Rican life. We returned to California just in time to celebrate Amelie’s first Birthday with our family. They had been incredibly supportive of my decision to move to Costa Rica, but were overjoyed at our return.  It felt like a victorious homecoming. I had just been through the most difficult time of my life, had birthed our second daughter, and now I was feeling stronger and clearer than ever before, and it felt like a welcomed relief to receive the helping hands of family with the girls. I allowed myself time to settle, recalibrate, reflect, and envision. And then it was time to create the platform for my work, in which I envisioned workshops, online courses, published books, and a steady stream of private client sessions…

So now, my girls and I reside in Southern California, where I practice mindful parenting by day, and write, create, and guide by night, and whole-heartedly embrace the support of friends and family, while I create the vision for the next part of our lives…

The Pre-Dating World

Styling and Photography: Peter Lin Carrillo.

I wouldn’t go as far as calling what I’ve been doing dating, but more like talking, entertaining possibilities… I was married, happily married, (don’t get me wrong, we had our share of downs too), but the point is that I liked being married, and I never chose to get unmarried, but life had different plans… So, it’s easy for me to be married, feel married, act married, even though I am so not married, and at this point just getting my feet wet, merely entertaining the ideas of what it might mean to start a new relationship.  So, needless to say, it hasn’t been the cleanest, easiest transition. In fact, I feel like I’m quite bad at the whole thing! Oh, and so easy to fall into playing the roles you used to play, and project onto others the roles played by past lovers… So, how to be present, and actually tune into whoever it is that is standing right in front of you? Be present, be compassionate with yourself and give yourself lots and lots of grace through it all. And the only reason I can say that with any sort of confidence is because that is precisely what I was not doing… So, I think so far, this particular season for me is all about loving myself even when I have imperfect deliverance with my communication, even when I am triggered by my past and freak out, even when I feel totally unlovable, even when I’m convinced I’m in love at “hello,” even when I stumble and fall along the way and make an ass out of myself… cause if I can stick around and love me long enough to help me up, dust off the dirt, give me a hug, a pep talk,  a dose of humility, and lots and lots of patience, well then, that is just a beautiful start to this whole new world of pre-dating for me. And so yesterday, my friend, photographer, and stylist, Peter Lin Carrillo took my photo. Lots of them actually, to help me with the re-branding of my business, provide photo content for my new online courses and workshop series, and little did I know, help me step into feeling beautiful again after the busyness of grieving and mothering. And so, perhaps this pre-dating world will also get easier as I step into owning who it is that I am and loving that woman, and feeling beautiful and on top of my game, as it relates to all aspects of life. Ready to own it! Wish me luck :)

"When you think of love, do you think of pain?"

“When you think of love, do you think of pain?” How many of us are carrying around all the pains of what we experienced as the result of an open heart? These song lyrics struck a chord in my heart. I loved with all of my heart, and then the person who I loved died. My heart was broken. 2 ½ years has shown me that we have the tremendous ability to heal and mend our wounds, and that the desire to give and receive love is as natural as anything… And so then, in moving on from a broken heart (all in our own natural timing, of course), what do we want to carry forward into the future, into our next experience of love? Cause those lyrics, “when you think of love do you think of pain,” resonated me with very deeply because when I think of Mitch, yes, I think of the love we shared, but I also think of the sheer earth shattering pain of what it was to lose him… and do I want to carry that pain and that fear of loss into the next relationship? Cause I know now, death is a real possibility, break-ups, betrayals, they are all real possibilities, but do I want to carry around a shield to protect myself from those potential heart-breakers, or do I want to be mindful that those potentials exist and risk loving anyway? Cause the thing is, it feels so good to love, and it feels so good to receive love, it feels so natural… So, to hold it all, cause the potential in living with an open-heart is to experience the greatest love and the greatest pain. And in playing it safely, am I really willing to forgo loving again with all that I am? No, and that is a choice we make, and it’s a choice that takes courage, especially if we’re wise to how painful it can feel, and also to how damn good it can feel. And so I can choose to look back with the fondest of memories, knowing that a heart open to love is a beautiful thing indeed.

Finding My Way Again.

Sifting through a life of dreams, he was the captain of our ship, and when he died, all of our dreams seemed to die too, or were just lost in the confusion of it all… which were mine, which were his, and which were ours?

In an instant, 2 ½ years after his death, it all comes flooding back to me as I walk though the campgrounds across the street from my house. And there it was, a symbol of all we’d dreamed, in a 6x12 homemade camper. My heart swells. Wait, that was my dream too. He opened my eyes to a whole new way to exist in this life, and it always seemed like his. Until I saw that little camper, and I remembered my own heart. Dreams of  homestead living in the redwood forests of Northern California, mine, consciously living in harmony with the Earth, mine. Oh my gosh, my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach, a deep ache for all that I’d forgotten that I loved in this life. He showed me the way, yes, and then he died, but these dreams were still very much alive in my heart. He awakened in my heart these dreams, and they were mine now too. He opened the door for me to finally walk through, and with tears, I find the love again, and I release a little bit more of the ache. Oh love, disentangling myself from the pain that came from the loss. I feel my heart open a bit more. Scared as hell, I decide to let my heart lead anyway, with a new commitment to myself to remember my heart, and to follow the path of love.

"I think God thinks that's funny..."

I overheard Ava telling a little girl at the library that her daddy died. I couldn’t hear the response from the little girl, but can only imagine through Ava’s response that it must have been sadness or shock, because here’s what Ava said in a soothing, and loving tone, “It’s ok, everybody dies, it was just his time.”

So, a few days later, I asked her if hearing people’s responses to her daddy’s death was hard… She said it was. I told her that so many people are afraid to die, and that they’re afraid to die because they have forgotten that they have a spirit. Well, she thought that was quite amusing, and said, “ I think God thinks that’s funny. And I think Daddy thinks that’s funny too.” And so it is.

Honoring Birthdays of Loved Ones Passed...

We picked flowers on our walk to the beach, an afternoon to declare our birthday wishes and love for a beloved husband and daddy in the sand. I was trying to make it so perfect, as if the perfection of my sand art was a measure of my love… He knows, of course he knows, I ease into that knowing. Instead of trying to keep it all contained, smooth, and picturesque, I align with what this afternoon is truly about, a living expression of love and gratitude, an offering of ourselves in remembrance, in quiet open attentiveness to the mysteries and miracles of Spirit. And so I wrote to Mitch, my feelings, in the sand with the tip of a feather, witnessing my words being erased almost as quickly as I wrote them as my daughters happily played all around me, drew pictures of their own, messy, in-process, a practice in letting go, of surrendering to the impermanence of life, and embracing the playfulness of a child. There was a peace in the surrender to it not all being “perfect,” and in that I found real perfection; a beautiful way for us three, my daughters and me to honor Mitch’s Birthday, each in our own way, together, at the beach, in the sand, fully alive to the sheer preciousness of the afternoon, and feeling so free. We danced, we twirled, we wrote, we made art, we made sand angels, we prayed, we wished, we made an offering of flowers to the ocean in prayerful remembrance of a loved husband and daddy… It was reflective and sad and hopeful and joyful, and so very human.